Tina Lifford

This week I started a 5-week exercise boot camp at RPM Fitness down the street from my house in Studio City. Yesterday was my second “spinning” class. The instructor was different from my first. Both are great and spin like athletes. However, this instructor was artful in the way she got the room of 16 spinners to stay engaged. She used the oldest strategy in the book…she told stories. Yesterday’s true life story introduced me to the term “cougar” as it applies to women. I had not heard this usage before. Turns out, a cougar is an older woman who dates younger guys. There’s actually cougar websites.

It was outrageous listening to Vanessa, the instructor, share her point of view. There were many points upon which her story resonated inside of me and made me smile: At 45 she had dated a number of younger men. She laughed and said about herself as she is spinning like a gladiator, “I do everything with commitment.” The fact that younger men tend to have less money didn’t bother her. She had moved passed needing a man’s money to secure her life. She shared that she had dated men on both sides of the money line dividing the rich and poor. Being with men with money was fun but it never out weighted the importance of being able to respect, have fun and share deeply with the man. She was comfortable enough in who she is that she did not need someone else’s money to assure her of a good life.

Clearly this fitness enthusiast had spent some quality time discovering herself. It takes liking yourself to be able to put your needs ahead of the Cinderella seductions of the good looking, prince of a man who will come in and save you from the mean, cruel, back-braking world.

As she spoke, I thought of a fun relationship I ended five years ago because the well-to-do distinguished, older man had a quirk that I couldn’t accommodate: He used to slightly “undercut” compliments that others would give me in his presence. Someone might say to him, “She’s wonderful,” or, “Isn’t she wonderful,” and he would shrug his shoulders and say, “She’s OK.” And, when he would be on the phone talking to his 40 year old daughter he more often than not would speak rudely to me. I never took this behavior personally. There was and is no doubt in my mind the man was “crazy about me” and felt I was indeed wonderful. I could see that he was maneuvering for power and control of some sort. His inability to be completely at ease with how much he liked me was not my issue. Therefore I didn’t get upset. I did share with him my “picture” of relationship. I let him know I was looking to be in a relationship where we both valued and honored being good to one another. Over almost a year it became clear that his “quirk” was a deep grained response in the settings I mentioned. It was a bump in the road that we kept crossing…until the day I suggested we become just friends. We are friends today.

I had tons of fun with this man and no regrets about my choice because I love me enough to want the best for me. I love me enough to have been clear and honest with this man about my needs and desires. I love me enough to let go with love and still be his friend, beyond our challenge with intimacy. He on the other hand, his lack of alignment with his emotions has caused him regret. I would wager more times than just the one with me.

I have learned that honesty with myself about my needs and desires and feelings steers me clear of regret.

I will share more spinning class thoughts and topics over the next 5-weeks.

Fabulous Me to Fabulous You,
Tina

June 7, 2007 – Happy Friday

In Wednesday’s blog this week I shared that at a “spinning” workout I was introduced to the term “cougars” – older women who date younger men. I did not know there was a term for this. For a week now, I have been thinking about Vanessa, the instructor, and her unusual attitude and comments. Her first May-September relationship was at age 27. He was 24. It lasted 5 years. Next relationship she was 33 he was 23. That lasted 10 years. Today she is 45 and her man is 30. (I am probably not remembering the ages accurately but I am close.)

Vanessa was a HOOT. I loved her. I found it fascinating to watch the faces of the other men and women spinners as Vanessa shocked with her “cougar” talk: “A cougar doesn’t like on-line dating. A cougar prefers the hunt,” she said. The room was dead silent after that, just the syncopated sound of wheels whirling and humans panting. I couldn’t tell if the grimaces that flashed across faces were spinning related or statement related. The jock looking guy to my left was deadly silent. I was left wondering if he was uncomfortable hearing this great looking blonde talk about cougars as hunters who “bed” their prey. Maybe that is his turf and he doesn’t like the idea of having to share it with a woman. At times during her bold monologue I found Vanessa’s statements so against the nice-girls-don’t grain that I thought, “She has to be kidding.” But then I realized she wasn’t. At those moments I would truly laugh out loud. This woman was being herself for all to see. Vanessa riffed for an hour with statements like, “Some men should be seen and not heard!” I think I am the only person in the room who laughed at that comment. It was funny. I couldn’t help myself. I have to admit, I had thought it once or twice but I would never SAY it in mixed company to people who might not hear the humor. I am certain she wasn’t male bashing. She was enjoying her life and her freedom. In fact I was left with the impression that Vanessa really likes men—probably all men, but definitely young men. Her bodacious point of view was so interesting to me that I found myself straining over the loud music and grunts to make sure I heard every word. And though I may have gasped at her remarks a few times, I was never turned-off.

I loved being a witness to the stream of consciousness of a woman clearly committed to discovering her life on her terms and living it to the fullest. Vanessa does not waste precious time with fantasies of Prince Charming or a Knight in shining armor. She is busy creating the life she desires to live. She is not interested in someone else’s rules regarding her behavior. She trusts herself. She is looking to live a life filled with people and things she really enjoys. I think she knows that life is short and finds every moment precious. From what I could tell from this hour-long class, Vanessa values friendships, relationships, good sex, health, fitness, yoga, independence, self determination, heart-felt communication and self-examination. (In fact she shared with a shake of her head that her girlfriend sets men up by suggesting they go out for dinner and then deciding if the man is a “keeper” based upon whether he offers to pay the check. She spoke of such manipulation as an archaic female survival dance? For the record, I agree.) She is fond of long term relationships, and I would guess what you see is what you get with her.

I do not have to agree with Vanessa’s perspective to appreciate her gusto. I enjoyed her. I enjoyed her being herself fully and allowed her full-self to give me permission to admire and express my full-self. This is the gift women centered in themselves can give to one another. This is waking up fabulous.

I think I should admit I am a cougar, at least by definition. I have dated men five and nine years younger than me and one man twenty years older. I have dated men where I picked up the check more often than not, and I have dated men who wouldn’t let me touch my purse. I am proud to say I use every man that comes into my life. In fact I use every person who comes into my life. I use them to grow. I use them to heal. I use them to learn the difficult and often complicated art of loving. I use them to discover the mystical way the Universe shows us all who we are through the people and circumstances we attract. I don’t know nor do I care if I am a “cougar” in someone’s mind. I have learned there is very little time to think about how others see me if I am busy waking up fabulous in my own life.

BTW, do you think Vanessa is the cougar she was talking about or a smart instructor who understands the power of a good story? This modern day story teller distracted me from my pain and resistance and my body is very happy she did.

Thanks for stopping by. See you next time.

Fabulous Me to Fabulous You,
Tina

Note: June is the month of weddings and graduations. We will spend this month of transitions talking about being true to yourself. Visit us often. Share your comments. Tell us what you think and how you feel. Namaste

As I sit here searching my heart for today’s share I grab the May issue of “O” Magazine for inspiration. I start to read the article titled “You Gotta Have Faith”. I read the first 5 paragraphs but it does not hold my attention. Instead I ask myself what is most important to me, right now. What is the reason I have passion for Totally Fabulous Woman? What does “Waking Up Fabulous” mean and why would anyone care?

My answers: fun and self-acceptance. Life is short. Let’s get some more (fun and self-acceptance). I have invited huge chunks of these two gifts into my life by practicing one simple statement: That’s where you are Tina and it’s OK. In the midst of challenge and difficulty these words strung together by me in love of me makes all the difference.

Every time I have a cause to say this, saying it floods me with comforting release. It is like having mommy kiss the sore and magically it feels better. That’s where you are (Your Name) and it’s OK, says: Don’t beat yourself up honey. This is where you are right now. It is not where you will be forever. It is OK if you don’t like that this is where you are. It is even OK if you don’t like that you don’t like that this is where you are. It is all OK. It is not who you are. These are circumstances and circumstances always change. You are so much more than these circumstances and these feelings. My love, take as many deep breaths as you need and if it doesn’t feel better call a friend or make an appointment to see a therapist. This is life. We are learning as we go. You don’t have to get it all right today. If you need help, or just someone to talk to, it’s OK!

This is the love and wisdom we can give ourselves with just the little phrase, That’s where you are (Your Name) and it’s OK.

But when all is said and done whatever it is that has you challenged in this moment is better than the alternative. And if death sounds like the better alternative to you, stop reading this now and call someone immediately. Be good to you. You are here in the game of life learning to be one of its best players. Say YES to being you. The alternative is permanent.

Thanks for coming by. Drop me a line at tina@totallyfabulouswoman.com and let me know what’s on your mind. I will probably use it for this blog.

Fabulous me to Fabulous you,
Tina